Over the weekend, I had the most interesting and unexpected conversation with a taxi driver named David. I had been at a nightclub (alone, sadly…my friends couldn’t make it out that night) and I had tried a new substance for the first time. About an hour and half after ingesting it, the substance became overwhelming and the club environment was suddenly too loud, too populated and crowded and too stimulating for my tastes. I left and ended up in David’s cab.
So here I am, “hallucinating” my face off. Everything is extremely textured and wavy and I can barely handle all the thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind. Then David asks me what I do so I told him I’m a screenwriter. This got us into a conversation about creativity, what it means to be a creative person in this world and how difficult it is to be a creative person. We both realized that this world is a hard world for creative people to survive in. Yet without us, the world would not be as enriched, as fun, as beautiful, as diverse as it is. We feed the culture, he said. Creativity may not be rewarded materially but I came to the conclusion that the world can survive without money. But it cannot survive without art, music, literature, poetry, theater.
David asked me to share a piece of wisdom with him. Though he was much older than me, I told him that I feel quite young at 25 years old still. However, one major thing I have learned this past year is that wherever you are at, whether it is a low point or a high point, that is exactly where you need to be. I also mentioned that I’ve learned being a creative person is extremely lonely and isolating. That was a very unexpected struggle for me. Back in Canada, I never felt that lonely. I had family, great friends, a dog. Here in LA, it is so easy for me to get caught in negative psychological loops from being physically alone most of the time. To all creative people, we are all lonely motherfuckers. We crave isolation, yet we desperately want some form of connection. Why else would we try to birth something immaterial from our own minds and push it into the physical world? What kind of crazy person would even try that? But remember: you are NOT alone. We are ALL here with you, going through the same struggle. I hope that gives you some ounce of strength to keep going because this world loves to beat its citizens down. If you are creating something, you are worthy of it and all the voices telling you are not are just voices. The only that matters is the one that says YOU matter.
And then David shared this with me: he learned that he cannot blame anyone for his life except himself. At the end of the day, he said, it’s up to him to sit at the computer and write a few scenes. It’s up to him to make music, to do his charcoal paintings, to read that book. And this is so true. Your life is your own so what you do every day truly counts. We cannot predict tomorrow. Yesterday’s already a fading dream. We change, morph and grow with every step. But it is up to you to take that step.
I get myself down a lot. My best friend (bless her soul…I don’t know what I would do without that girl) has been messaging me a lot about HER friends, who are getting new houses, new cars, new jobs, more money, etc. She’s been sad lately because she’s not at that place yet either and is always wondering why her life isn’t going the way she wants it to. It’s hard to see your friend like that and it’s also hard to realize that you do the same to yourself. But be wise, friends, and be patient. Your life and experiences are completely YOUR own. Comparing yourself to others will only bring you misery. It is hard to not do so; it is human nature, I think. However, you have had your own successes. Believe me, there are those who look at you and wonder why their life has not gone the way yours has.
We are all different from each other on a genetic level. Therefore, it is foolish to think that your life should be comparable to another’s. I should listen to my own advice. Like I said, I beat myself up a LOT. But at the end of the day, I know what I love and I love what I love. If you can say the same thing, then you are in a good place. You are on the right path. All you have to do is keep walking.
Breaking news: The D.C. Appeals Court just killed Net Neutrality.
This could be the end of the Internet as we know it. But it doesn’t have to be.
Tell the FCC to restore Net Neutrality: http://bit.ly/1iOOjoe
they want to make the internet like tv. with channels and paying to get to specific websites and things. net neutrality = not doing that
This impacts every internet user. Please signal boost the hell out of this and sign the petition if you are American
I do not reblog things like this very often, but this affects me both personally and my business as a freelance artist.
In the economy here; cash is already strapped as it is. You bet your ass companies would suck the ever living life out of misc. art sites.
I don’t want it to ever come down to me choosing between groceries or purchasing a new tier package via comcast to be able to access tumblr or DeviantArt (let alone not guaranteeing I’ll even be seen by my customer base since they may not want to pay out their asses either). It doesn’t seem important to most, but I do 90% of my business online entirely.
Please sign up, fight for this and share it with your followers/friends/family and urge them to give them hell as well.
Not writing related, but this is incredibly important. While we pay for service via ISPs, the internet has been a relatively free space where everyone, no matter their income level, is able to connect, access a wealth of information, and express themselves. The Internet has become a major part of our culture as human beings and the notion that ISPs might be able to limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more is utterly sickening. A lot of us are cash strapped as is, and I’d rather not be limited even more by someone else’s greed. Net Neutrality is essential and I hope you guys will understand why it needs to remain.
P.S. Signal boost this if you’re able.
“ limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more”
limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more
limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more
limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more
limit what sites I can access unless I pay them more
DO YOU WANT THIS? NO?? CLICK THE LINK. REBLOG.
Fuck no I ain’t paying to watch my gay hentai signal boost the shit out of this!!!!!!
Okay no but for real, this would cause a HUGE gap between the poor and the rich. Think about it for a second- BIG companies making BIG money off of the internet, and already kinda poor people trying to earn a living on the internet (I actually know nothing about trying to earn a living on the internet this is a disclaimer) are losing views because people will have to pay just to ACCESS their sites.
I do not normally reblog things in general. However, this is something that deeply affects me and I would like to chime in and add my own voice to this.
As a writer, the Internet is a haven. It is a haven and sanctuary for all creative people as well non-creative people. It is truly a free network in which people are not limited by socioeconomic status, race, gender, sexuality, and other identity classifiers. Yes the Internet has its problems and there ARE people here who purposely attack others based on the aforementioned classifiers.
Despite the trolls, the Internet provides a community for ANYONE. It doesn’t matter who you are; you’ll find like-minded people on the Internet. Having people PAY for something like that…something that transcends any material value is abysmal and a travesty. The point of the Internet is NOT to make money and those who are trying to make it that are trespassing on the basic human right to seek out a community in which you belong.
Thanks for letting me rant. Sonia out.
It has been a while since I have posted and something minor has been happening that has encouraged me to post now. More people have begun to follow me here, which I initially found strange. This blog was truly only ever meant for myself, but it honors me that others care enough to follow and to read these posts. In short, I would like to thank all the people who have been visiting this humble blog since the beginning and all the people who have just started to follow.
But onto the actual post now. I was away from Los Angeles for six weeks. This time was spent with my family and friends in Canada. And let me just say…it was the most amazing summer of my life. It was everything and so much more than I had hoped. At the same time, it was very sobering. The time I spent there brought up many issues I had yet to face.
I questioned myself about who I want to be, how I want to live my life. But for the first time, it was not the sort of questioning that leaves you in a horrible self-loathing pit of doubt and insecurity. It was simply asking myself, “Who do I want to be? How do I want to live? Please answer honestly.” And for the first time in my life, I actually did. I’ve mentioned in a long-ago post that honesty is difficult for me. This summer, I finally…FINALLY…understood why; it is because of expectations.
We all do it. We place expectations on ourselves, mostly. But we put expectations on other people, our lives, the situations we find ourselves in. And we’re also weighed down by expectations from the “outside”. We feel our parents, families, friends, peers, colleagues, the world expecting us to live a certain way. In the end though, don’t those expectations simply come from ourselves too? Because we have the ability to choose.
We are presented with the choice to cling to these expectations or to let ourselves free of them.
I’ve lived most of my life in fear. Fear of my parents, fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of loneliness. When I realized that the source of this fear was the fact that I was clinging onto so many expectations, that I was afraid of my own life and my own self because I had inadvertently boxed myself into an idealistic picture that only exists in my head…all the fear vanished. That’s not to say that I am no longer afraid of anything at all. I still am human; that fear is something I will always carry. But it no longer controls me because I understand now that I AM in complete control of my life. And so are you.
Romantic relationships never go out of style. As two near-and-dear people of mine close in on each other’s emotional proximity, it’s difficult to NOT think about relationships at all.
We’re given a model for it straight from birth: our parents. They teach us how to communicate, understand the world and people (and yes it’s a bad world with bad people), survive on your own and most importantly, to love. My parents were not perfect, but I love them dearly and they taught me something very important: you cannot choose your family, but you can choose your spouse.
As a younger teenage, I never really understood what that mean. You just meet someone and after some time, you fall in love and everything’s gravy right? Well, WRONG. We all know that’s not true. We all know it’s a frightening disturbing and psychotically anarchic world out there. Nobody REALLY knows what the rules are. Think about it. We’re all just hyper-intelligent monkeys running around trying to understand ourselves and the people around us.
In any case, my inclination with romantic relationship does lean to the cynical side. Women, you know how it feels to be played by a guy. Men, you know what it’s like when the girl you thought was the girl of your dreams breaks your heart. Humanity, you’ve all had your hearts broken by someone at least once before in your past. But that’s ok.
It’s okay because romantic relationships are much too idealized, in my opinion. People come and go into our lives constantly. It’s never forever. And if it is, well there was no way anybody could have predicted it, so it’s beautiful when it happens.
Humanity, please love yourself. Love those around you, even if you’re afraid of rejection. Love yourself so that others may learn to love themselves too. There is too much hate, ugliness and evil in this world as it is. This world needs more love and that starts with you.
Music is such a fascinating art form. Unlike other arts (cinema, sculpture, painting, literature, etc.), music forever remains in the ethereal realm that art originates from. The other arts all take on some sort of physical manifestation. Music is unique in that it does not. Though one could make the argument it DOES take on a physical form in the shape of CDs, disks, sound files. But even then, the CD itself is not the center piece. It is not the music one is meant to experience.
In any case, this allows music to be a constant reminder of mortality. Music is a temporal art, which only adds to my argument that it never achieves a physical state. It is an art rooted in time: the arrangement of notes, constancy of rhythm, layers fading in and out throughout a song. A song lasts three minutes and every single note is arranged temporally to ensure it achieves a psychological and emotional effect.
In addition, there is the culture of music. I’ve found that musicians tend to be people who live quite in the moment. It makes sense why music attracts such personalities. Every time a musician performs a song, it is different. His/her mood is different. The audience, the stage, the energy. It is so spontaneous and fleeting that the musician has no choice but to revel in it before it’s too late.
And for that reason, music makes mortality all too real. For as long as a song plays, the listener is in sync with it. The listener allows the song to take them on a ride, a journey through time to feel something, anything for just a moment.
Then it’s over.
The moment dies, just as we all will. But as long as the song plays, we can enjoy the sounds. Pure vitality and spontaneity for what else is life?
Someone told me recently, “Sonia, you breathe like simply existing is the most difficult thing in the world.” It made me stop and think for a moment. My reply was, “It is.” But then it led me to ponder why. Where does this come from?? — this feeling that existence is difficult and treacherous. I feel danger constantly pulling at my hair, yet excitement and adrenaline rushes are my coping mechanisms.
I realized that a significant factor is creativity. Creative people straddle the line between reality and imagination. It’s not a place that we “go to” once in a while or when we’re working on a project. No, creative people EXIST on that line. And it is exhausting. We want to free ourselves from the constraints of so-called reality yet we have to pull ourselves back into reality and maintain connection with it.
I think that’s why many artists isolate themselves or are generally considered to be part on the “fringes of society”. The farther away they are from reality, the more they can exist on the other side of that line.
And depending on the artist and what sort of art they produce, they will experience this schism differently. Being a writer, but also being a fiercely independent person to begin with secludes me from other people at times. It’s easy to isolate myself from the world for several days at a time and then realize that I should probably hang out with people and engage in human contact.
But briefly, writers have to exist as other people in their minds. We take on our characters, try to delve into their psyches, shatter it and then put it all back together. In doing so, we inadvertently end up doing the same thing to our own minds. We break and then we put ourselves back together. It’s a strange way of living because writers essentially live out a hundred lives. One life is hard enough to live; imagine living out a hundred lives.
For the creative, existence is difficult because we understand the cycle of birth, life and death all too intimately and we are forever spinning on it.
Stories are found in between moments. Moments are arbitrary. They pass too quickly and only felt in their wake. The realization of a moment’s significance occurs a second too late; the moment has gone. But a story…that takes place between these moments. A story is the flux and flow of a psyche, constantly shifting with precious few moments of clarity.
The tragedy and beauty of humanity is the impermanence of it all. We all just become stories to each other. All the faces, the voices, the places. They become mere ghosts, veiled and shrouded by memory like foggy mirrors. Reflections of our true selves that can never be clearly seen. It’s terrifying. We long for permanence, a lasting connection with others, a single individual, with ourselves.
Yet everything, including (especially) ourselves, is doomed. Uncertainty defines rather than confines. Be anyone, be everyone. Know nothing and know everything. Keep in mind everything will be gone so enjoy it now. You are beautiful and perfect simply because you’re here now. As much as we want to hold onto each other, the reason we love each other is because we’re aware of our ends.
This is also why stories begin and end. They’re the progression from who you were to who you are to who you will be.
To be honest, I don’t have anything profound to say in this post. I just want to type and type and type to fill this space with words. It’s fulfilling in many ways just to see the black letters pop up and string across the screen.
I guess it’s my personal way of trying to leave a mark on this world. My version of climbing up to a rooftop, looking out at the city lights and screaming, “I’M HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!” underneath those faraway stars that could not give a damn about us tiny humans.
This is just random rambling now. I used to be incredibly nihilistic. I truly believed that there was no meaning to life. Now, it’s difficult for me to talk to people who think that way. Perhaps there is no definitive meaning to life. There probably isn’t. But why does that even matter? We’re here. This is happening right NOW. And it’s so precious. I remember in undergrad, my friends and I used to have philosophical discussions about existence and our own selves. We had this one discussion about how the present moment only lasts three seconds. In three seconds, the present will become the past. In three seconds, the future is going to become the present.
Isn’t that scary? In essence, you only exist for three seconds at a time. The version of you three seconds ago no longer exists. And in three seconds, you’re going to be a new version of yourself. We’re so transient. We’re just passing through. We’re ghosts drifting through space and time, trying desperately to connect with ourselves and with other people. And all we have is three seconds.
As a writer, I’m constantly psychoanalyzing myself. It’s a bizarre feeling sometimes. Freud had to do the same since there were no psychoanalysts before him. The idea of looking at yourself is bizarre because like your reflection, you’re never quite sure if what you’re seeing is truth or the mirror opposite of it. What is the true image? Is there any way to tell?
Something about myself has become more and more clearer. The funny thing is that my mother has always told me this about myself. But for some reason, it never really sunk in until now. I’m an extremely impatient person. Waiting for the subway? Hate it. Walking an extra block to get somewhere? Can’t stand it. Waiting for someone to call or email me back? I’ll be constantly checking my phone.
In an attempt to understand the root of this impatience, I Googled “impatience” and discovered the seven dark character flaws (similar to the seven deadly sins). But these are character traits, not necessarily the dark notions and deeds of humanity. Upon reading about these character traits, I realized that I possess all seven, but in varying degrees and shades. It is my belief that everyone possesses all of these traits in different degrees. But I also believe that every person carries a dominating dark character trait: one overpowering trait that throws the rest into shadow the majority of the time.
Regardless of which of the qualities is the strongest, the reason these qualities exist is because they are our methods of attaining control. Ultimately, it boils down to a fear of losing control of your Self. For example, my impatience is due to the fact that I do not like to be kept waiting. However, people are people. They have their own priorities and worries. What is important to me at the moment is not important to another at the same moment. I fear losing control of my priority. Hence, I become impatient with people when they are not prioritizing in the same way I am.
This selfishness is inherent in people, I think. How can it not be? We cannot read minds nor can two atoms exist in the same space at the same time. The paradoxical thing is that we always succumb to this fear of no control. In an attempt to maintain control, we lose ourselves. Therefore, I think it is incredibly vital that in these moments, we dissociate ourselves and remind ourselves in any possible: “There is a choice here and I alone can make it.”
Finally. The weekend. A day to myself. I love writing, but I’m beginning to realize that one cannot entrench oneself too deeply into an activity for too long. Energy is infinite, but the energy one possesses at any given point in time is finite. Your energy needs to be replenished after being depleted. There is nothing wrong with that.
Working with a director and producer has made me realize how important it is to be emotionally stable. It’s also forcing me to confront many of my own issues as a person. The two weeks (two whole freaking weeks!) in particular have pushed me into moral and ethical crises. It’s bizarre when you begin to question whether or not you’re a good person; whether or not you made the right choice; whether or not you’re actually a selfish person deep down and you don’t ACTUALLY give a shit about other people.
I know I am not the sole individual to have gone through these crises. This isn’t even an existential one. This is specifically about confronting your morality, your ethics: Am I good a person? Do I really care about my loved ones or do I just care about myself?
It doesn’t matter what race, occupation, background, lifestyle you stem from. All humans at one point have asked themselves these questions. They’re frightening. The moment they’re even asked or thought about, the fear seeps in. Then the implications of the possibilities overwhelm you.
However, let me just say this. This is not an answer to any of those questions. But, it can be incredibly helpful to keep in mind that, in the very end, you are fine the way you are. For some reason, the psychological design of humanity is so that this statement is the most difficult for people to accept.
The choices you make at a specific given moment are only reflective of the person you are AT THAT MOMENT. And at that moment, you may not be the absolute best version of yourself. You must love yourself when you are unlovable. This is so easy to forget but so essential to remember.